I have hit a brick wall.
My prayers are going unanswered.
“God, can you hear me!!??”
What’s the deal? Why is it like this?
Why the brick wall, the hardening of my heart?
I truly did not understand why I could not feel Gods presence.
I would cry out “touch me too!!” I would feel all alone and wonder why everyone was being blessed and I wasn’t.
The worship at church would be powerful, people weeping before the Lord. Others would be dancing and full of joy, why was it not me??
I would pray for simple things, they would go unanswered.
This went on for months. I would try to make myself cry, beat myself up mentally and emotionally until it should have sent me into a weeping frenzy.
I would go into the world and look for things to make me happy.
I would beg God to let me release my frustration.
I would beg God to answer my prayers, to listen to me!
I would beg God to let me feel His presence. I would try to reason with Him on why I needed His touch.
Just today I was sitting here with my frustration again to the max begging God to show me the error of my ways.
I knew there had to be something inside my heart making this happen. Some secret sin deep within me.
For months I had been asking God to forgive me of this, forgive me of that. Make this right, make that right.
Help me with this, help me with that….the list goes on and on until there wasn’t anything else I could think of that could be the problem.
Our church has a small library in it and one night while I was in the nursery with my toddler I decided to check it out.
After browsing through the books I noticed 2 books that seemed to be calling my name.
“Having A Mary Heart in a Martha World” and “Prayers that Prevail”.
Surely one of these books will have a clue about my situation.
I was reading a chapter about doubt and BAM the truth hits me like a ton of bricks.
I have been praying for things to happen that I thought God should have done.
I have prayed and not received.
I have been asking but not believing.
I have doubted that God would do what I asked.
I doubted that God would do what He said He would do in His Word.
This is nothing to take lightly. This is sin. The secret sin that was in my heart all along that has hardened my heart just like Saul’s heart was hardened in the Bible.
I didn’t trust God.
Ok don’t get me wrong, I know God can do anything and everything…He is God.
But when I didn’t get my prayers answered it began to put this doubt in me that turned into unbelief.
Unbelief is not trusting. This then made me lean on my own understanding. I began to try to answer my own prayers. I lived life the way I wanted to live it.
I was sinking!!
Immediately after reading that I went to my secret prayer closet, cleared out the cobwebs and prayed.
I told God how upset I was with Him, then asked Him to forgive me for not telling Him sooner and letting it fester into sin.
I asked Him to forgive my doubt and unbelief. I asked that He would increase my faith and help me to trust Him again.
I seriously have major trust issues with people.
I know that God understands this and is very patient with me. I am thankful for that.
I began to feel those brick walls I built tumble down.
I am beginning to feel hope again. I can feel joy starting to rise up in me again.
The Lord is good.
He cares for me.
He is teaching me.
“Lord heal my unbelief! Increase my faith!!”
That is my prayer for us all!!!